Everybody say, "Nom Nom Nom"! 'cause here we are in the crunch time before a mission.
I find it amusing that my mission experience thus far as been so very typical. When I had my mission doctor's exam, they found a weird syndrome that no one knew about (everyone, it seems, has some unforeseen medical problem); it took a MONTH after my papers were finished to have them sent in and processed, thanks to some communication issues (heard of this one before?); I never would have foreseen going to somewhere as random and wonderful as Ukraine (not Peru? Whaaa?); my visa papers were ridiculously delayed and incorrect (why is this process smooth for no one? Why don't they fix the system already?); none of the mission-style clothes would fit me (sigh); I dreaded my farewell talk almost more than leaving (it was terrifying, but fine); I'm fighting a lot more now with my mom, and everything is happening at the last minute (I was hoping to avoid this one after I heard about it, but alas); I'm arriving to the MTC late...
Well. Trying to be positive. I have to remind myself as all of this cortisone and adrenaline builds up in my body that this is supposed to be a great thing, the greatest thing in my life so far...
It doesn't feel much like it.
Again, I'm starting to get very, very bogged down by all the stress of all this. I don't like it all, and I wish I could do some of this stuff on my own, but it's not going to happen that way. Haha. My dad told my mom she needed to stop being such a control freak. I feel a little bit like he's right, but I wish he hadn't said it, because now my parents are arguing, and the sound just kills the pre-stressed mind. He also said to me this morning, "I kind of just want you to leave. I want this to be over with. I want you to be coming back sooner."
The good-bye, pre-mission stuff is starting to drive us all crazy, I think.
Yeah, I feel the same way. Everything is building up, and building up, and building up...
to what, I wonder? I wish I knew, but I guess I'm glad I don't. It's good to be surprised sometimes by the future, and there's no way I could know what to expect.
I need this, I need that, but I can't have this, and no, we already have that.
I HATE shopping, ok? Any kind of shopping. Besides grocery shopping, maybe, which I don't get to do for another 11 weeks and which I haven't gotten to do in a similar amount of time. *pouts*
At least I went on a run today. I never noticed how important it is for me to exercise if I want to be happy. It's not like my happiness depends on my exercise for the day, fortunately, but there's a good reason it's included in the Word of Wisdom. When I don't get in any kind of physical activity, I don't feel good, and when I don't feel good, it's harder to feel the spirit.
Not exercising leads to worse things, like not praying and not reading your scriptures enough. I highly recommend you exercise, read, and pray. Satan is lurking in the shadows, waiting for you to slip up. Once, just once, is all he needs. My highs and my lows are exaggerated, and I realized that now, when I should've been taking that into account the whole time. If I have a great day, full of the spirit and joy, I'm going to have to work ten times harder if I want the same thing the next day. Oftentimes, I don't. I'm too lazy, too tired, or otherwise unmotivated. Then Satan comes crashing down, and I have to spend too much of my time recovering, when I could've been progressing and enjoying that same time.
Anyway.
Mostly I've been pretty sad. I have too much time to think, which is always a dangerous thing in my case. I keep thinking about everything I have to miss... all the quote wall moments, weddings, relationships, Harry Potter...
it feels like an awful lot to give up sometimes. It's worth it, though. Right? Isn't it?
I'm not good enough for this. I'm going to fail somehow, and I feel so much pressure on me right now. I can't hold up like this. All right. I'll stop. Just wish me luck for next 6 days. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. Yikes!!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Katy Perry's Firework
Have you ever heard that song? Of course you have, it's only playing on every radio station ever every five minutes. All right...I admit it. I like a song that's popular right now, even if it's Katy Perry of all people. SHHHHHHHHHH!! Don't go screaming that around! I've got a reputation to uphold, you know. Got to be the non-conformist kid who hates all songs that anyone else likes. Anyway. I like that song, and I've been using it as an inspiring running song. And hey, I got 5 miles today and about 3.1 yesterday. Not bad, especially considering my pesky cold (which is so much better today! Thank you, Lord, and benadryl. Oh! And my dad, who told me to take allergy medicine for a cold). So, this blog has nothing really to do with Katy Perry, sorry to disappoint. She doesn't really fit the missionary mold, if you ask me. I just needed a "snappy" title, and I'm feeling inspired, which I also feel when I hear this song.
Right. Feeling inspired.
I'm one of those members of the church who doesn't go home wiping their tears of joy away as they sing hymns merrily all the way. I know it's true, but I'm not that emotionally expressive about it, you know? That's not one of my spiritual gifts, and to be honest, I get jealous on occasion of people who are more open about feelings pertaining to the Gospel. Sometimes I struggle for that reason to feel anything, and I have to remind myself, you know, with this mission-thing coming up, that feeling is a big part of the work I'm doing. If I don't feel it, how can I expect investigators to seek the feeling of the Spirit? I can't, in short. The Lord speaks to both the heart and mind, whether or not we are inclined to one over the other.
Well, I got a letter from the MTC the other day. Been getting a few of those over the past couple of weeks. Did you know the MTC president changed?? Now it's this man named Gordon B. Brown. I don't know much about him, but I'm pretty sure he's amazing. At least, I hope he is, MTC prez and all. In the letter, there was a bulleted list of things I need to get done with my time ticking. One, flu shot (done!), two, get your MTC address via your LDS email account, a reminder that only one vehicle per missionary gets to enter through the grounds to drop you off, oh, and, uh, watch these three videos. I've either done or knew about the other stuff, but videos? What? They're three episodes of what they call The District 2, and I really had no idea what they meant. District. That sounds mission-related.
As you may have surmised, they were mission related, but they weren't at all what I was expecting, which is why I'm here now, telling you about them. Basically, The District 2 is kind of a reality tv show of missionary work. Perhaps reality tv is a bad comparison, as the real thing is full of filth, and you find these online, but I mean in principle. As in, unscripted, following people around. Real people. Real missionaries. It's a catalog of a mission district in San Diego's experiences. There's three elder companionships and one sister companionship that they cover. They really could make a reality tv show, I think. Haha. There were times I was hanging on to every last word, shaking the screen and saying, "PLEASE MR. RODRIGUEZ (who was Asian, and not Mexican, as you may have expected!)! PLEASE SAY YES TO BAPTISM!" Some investigators looked promising, and then the missionaries would say one thing, and that was it. That was part of the "real" aspects. They showed the missionaries making mistakes. Totally innocent mistakes, but you saw it happen, and you felt their shame when they realized. Oh man. People just DESTROYED them on occasion. But there were lots of happy moments, too. I felt the Spirit very strongly, and I almost cried alongside with the people. They all were very real--had their own issues, besides serving a mission and working with investigators. One elder had cancer. One sister lost her brother during her mission. These are just a few of the many stories told.
It changed my perspective. I went into this whole thing, not sure what to expect, and I finished those three episodes with a different view of the work I'm about to commence. Ukraine will probably be a bit of a different adventure in comparison with San Diego, but I think I've been shown a realistic version of missionary work. I know I'm going to fail. I've always known that (not quite the same as tasting it, though). But I know there will be success. If not with investigators, than with myself. Those men and women were so spiritual, and I loved to watch them grow. The videos were about 38 minutes each, but they covered substantial amounts of time, I think. I loved when the investigators knew. Obviously, you couldn't be there, but you could still feel their joy. Oh, it was amazing. I hope I can give that to someone in Ukraine. If not, I hope I can at least strengthen the people there, baptized members or not.
I want to make a positive impact for Christ every day.
I'm going to give every single day of that year and a half my best. Of course I'll make mistakes, experience disappointments. But I know that through the Atonement of Christ and the Holy Ghost, my efforts can be consecrated unto God for the good of His sons and daughters in Ukraine.
They deserve everything I have. I cannot wait to fulfill the Lord's prophecies about the Latter-days and become a better servant unto Him through the sanctification of serving a mission.
Right. Feeling inspired.
I'm one of those members of the church who doesn't go home wiping their tears of joy away as they sing hymns merrily all the way. I know it's true, but I'm not that emotionally expressive about it, you know? That's not one of my spiritual gifts, and to be honest, I get jealous on occasion of people who are more open about feelings pertaining to the Gospel. Sometimes I struggle for that reason to feel anything, and I have to remind myself, you know, with this mission-thing coming up, that feeling is a big part of the work I'm doing. If I don't feel it, how can I expect investigators to seek the feeling of the Spirit? I can't, in short. The Lord speaks to both the heart and mind, whether or not we are inclined to one over the other.
Well, I got a letter from the MTC the other day. Been getting a few of those over the past couple of weeks. Did you know the MTC president changed?? Now it's this man named Gordon B. Brown. I don't know much about him, but I'm pretty sure he's amazing. At least, I hope he is, MTC prez and all. In the letter, there was a bulleted list of things I need to get done with my time ticking. One, flu shot (done!), two, get your MTC address via your LDS email account, a reminder that only one vehicle per missionary gets to enter through the grounds to drop you off, oh, and, uh, watch these three videos. I've either done or knew about the other stuff, but videos? What? They're three episodes of what they call The District 2, and I really had no idea what they meant. District. That sounds mission-related.
As you may have surmised, they were mission related, but they weren't at all what I was expecting, which is why I'm here now, telling you about them. Basically, The District 2 is kind of a reality tv show of missionary work. Perhaps reality tv is a bad comparison, as the real thing is full of filth, and you find these online, but I mean in principle. As in, unscripted, following people around. Real people. Real missionaries. It's a catalog of a mission district in San Diego's experiences. There's three elder companionships and one sister companionship that they cover. They really could make a reality tv show, I think. Haha. There were times I was hanging on to every last word, shaking the screen and saying, "PLEASE MR. RODRIGUEZ (who was Asian, and not Mexican, as you may have expected!)! PLEASE SAY YES TO BAPTISM!" Some investigators looked promising, and then the missionaries would say one thing, and that was it. That was part of the "real" aspects. They showed the missionaries making mistakes. Totally innocent mistakes, but you saw it happen, and you felt their shame when they realized. Oh man. People just DESTROYED them on occasion. But there were lots of happy moments, too. I felt the Spirit very strongly, and I almost cried alongside with the people. They all were very real--had their own issues, besides serving a mission and working with investigators. One elder had cancer. One sister lost her brother during her mission. These are just a few of the many stories told.
It changed my perspective. I went into this whole thing, not sure what to expect, and I finished those three episodes with a different view of the work I'm about to commence. Ukraine will probably be a bit of a different adventure in comparison with San Diego, but I think I've been shown a realistic version of missionary work. I know I'm going to fail. I've always known that (not quite the same as tasting it, though). But I know there will be success. If not with investigators, than with myself. Those men and women were so spiritual, and I loved to watch them grow. The videos were about 38 minutes each, but they covered substantial amounts of time, I think. I loved when the investigators knew. Obviously, you couldn't be there, but you could still feel their joy. Oh, it was amazing. I hope I can give that to someone in Ukraine. If not, I hope I can at least strengthen the people there, baptized members or not.
I want to make a positive impact for Christ every day.
I'm going to give every single day of that year and a half my best. Of course I'll make mistakes, experience disappointments. But I know that through the Atonement of Christ and the Holy Ghost, my efforts can be consecrated unto God for the good of His sons and daughters in Ukraine.
They deserve everything I have. I cannot wait to fulfill the Lord's prophecies about the Latter-days and become a better servant unto Him through the sanctification of serving a mission.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
February!
Well, I've never thought of the month of February as being anything too exciting, but it's here, and it's my month! Woo. 23 days today. How odd. It feels like it's not going to happen. I'm probably going to stay in Bakersfield, actually. Or maybe this long winter break will be over, so I can go back to studying at homework at school.
But nope...
it's coming.
It's really coming.
Am I ready for this???
But nope...
it's coming.
It's really coming.
Am I ready for this???
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Irony, How You Beset Me
Have you ever had the experience where you accidentally answer your own question, or realize you should take your own advice? It's a very humbling moment, even if it turns out you were right all along. It's a funny thing, life. Throws you weird curveballs.
Today is Sunday, so I was emailing Brent, my long-time friend. He's currently serving in Brazil, a part of the Recife mission. I think he expected a lot of success when he arrived, perhaps due to some misleading information he received at the MTC. You can't blame the teachers there, though. I think if they build out things to look like failure (which I think plays a big role in the reality of things), missionaries would be discouraged, and that doesn't help them to be better servants to the Lord. At any rate, all of emails, and I mean ALL of his emails, are complaining. He's not unjustified, either. He's been sunburned, eaten alive by mosquitoes, ditched by his companions, infuriated by the Brazilian people, rejected at least once every single day, and just generally experienced major disappointment. I think I would be a very unhappy missionary in his position, too. Unfortunately, reading his emails has hardened my heart as well. Instead of focusing on the great joy of missionary work, I'm always thinking about the very worst that could happen. This occurs a small time after I read his email for the week on Monday. Now who wants to start their week off like that? Not me. I have enough negativity and cynicism to deal with on my own, thank you very much. I'm not blaming Brent. Who would? It really sounds like life sucks for him. But I'm susceptible to that angry, complaining spirit, and I don't want it to influence me.
Lately, I've been pretty miserable. I don't think that many people know, and I know no one could understand if they did know. But that's not the point. I don't want to be miserable! Heavens no. You only drag yourself and other people down to the devil with that kind of attitude. Besides, I have a lot to be grateful about.
Anyway. I decided I was going to let Brent have it, in a sense. I didn't want to strip him down or anything, but I think he needs to forget himself and go to work. I know it won't be easy, but that was the advice President Hinckley needed on his mission, and if it worked for a prophet of the Lord, it can work for anyone. Basically, I told Brent about my former roommate Glaucia. Sometimes Glaucia would drive me (and my other roommates, for that matter) a bit crazy, and I know part of it was just cultural differences. It was an interesting experience to live with someone foreign, especially since she was much older than the rest of us. I didn't realize how much it would affect our relationship. I've been fortunate to have travelled a lot in my lifetime, and I've never met a people I downright disliked because of their culture. That being said, Glaucia was hard to live with. For me. I will try to speak only for myself. She was lovely in every way, but that didn't mean she did things I appreciated all the time. At any rate, she had the Gospel in her life, and I could see how it had changed her. She even said, pretty directly, might I add, that she "liked incorrect things", but did the correct things for the Lord. She probably didn't mean to bear a testimony at that moment, but my testimony was strengthened all the same. Glacuia is the product (for lack of a better word) of successful missionary work. She spent a lot of time with the elders who introduced the Gospel in her life, and I know it must have been somewhat of a sacrifice, because I think she probably would have preferred to be spending time with people her own age, partying. Glaucia was a party girl. :) But you could see how important the Gospel was in her life because of eagerness to spend time with these men, in addition to the fact that she attended church regularly, wore temple garments, tried her best to make the right decisions, and even played a role in the reactivating of another of our roommates, Sam. This is what missionary work is all about. Brent hasn't had a single baptism yet, which I know is painful for him as he works hard, but the people in Brazil are still getting the chance to hear the Gospel through him. Brent is accomplishing the Lord's work by being out there, every day, even if he hasn't tasted of the fruits of direct success yet. I told him all this, adding in that I knew he already knew what I was saying (this seems to be his response to a lot of what I say), but that I was certain he had the capability to make more of himself out there.
I hope I wasn't too harsh. After all, I'm not on a mission, and I haven't served even a little bit of mine yet, so I guess he could say, what do you know? Well, I do know that Christ is my Savior, and He's taking care of you just as well as He's taking care of me, which is pretty darn well, if you might ask. Anyway. I ended up learning a lot as I typed those things out to him. I'm supposed to have the same attitude!! *lightbulb*
See, I've been super lonely here at home, and it's been a long time since I've felt satisfied with myself and what I'm doing here. It's not that those things aren't important, but there's more important things I need to focus on, just like Brent. We're at different stages in life, but I can still benefit from the advice I've given him, the advice I myself ought to take. It's strange, knowing I can lecture myself.
Well, here comes the hard part: actually enacting what I know to be true. It's weird knowing exactly what I should do and yet still not wanting to do it. Curse you, natural man! You are an enemy to God, and I would do well to rid myself of you.
Thanks for the support. I know no one reads this, but I also know people are supporting me. Perhaps no one besides my family is supporting me directly, but by supporting missionary work in general and sharing your testimony with others, you are supporting me. And you know, you deserve to be thanked for that.
I have a grateful heart, and I am willing to be the best Kristin there ever was this week.
I hope you all have a meaningful week as well, where you improve on yourself, and build your relationship with the Lord Almighty. Isn't He amazing? Divine, really. :)
I love you, I love my Lord, I love my family, and I especially love my call to serve the people of Ukraine. February 23rd, baby. It ain't far.
Today is Sunday, so I was emailing Brent, my long-time friend. He's currently serving in Brazil, a part of the Recife mission. I think he expected a lot of success when he arrived, perhaps due to some misleading information he received at the MTC. You can't blame the teachers there, though. I think if they build out things to look like failure (which I think plays a big role in the reality of things), missionaries would be discouraged, and that doesn't help them to be better servants to the Lord. At any rate, all of emails, and I mean ALL of his emails, are complaining. He's not unjustified, either. He's been sunburned, eaten alive by mosquitoes, ditched by his companions, infuriated by the Brazilian people, rejected at least once every single day, and just generally experienced major disappointment. I think I would be a very unhappy missionary in his position, too. Unfortunately, reading his emails has hardened my heart as well. Instead of focusing on the great joy of missionary work, I'm always thinking about the very worst that could happen. This occurs a small time after I read his email for the week on Monday. Now who wants to start their week off like that? Not me. I have enough negativity and cynicism to deal with on my own, thank you very much. I'm not blaming Brent. Who would? It really sounds like life sucks for him. But I'm susceptible to that angry, complaining spirit, and I don't want it to influence me.
Lately, I've been pretty miserable. I don't think that many people know, and I know no one could understand if they did know. But that's not the point. I don't want to be miserable! Heavens no. You only drag yourself and other people down to the devil with that kind of attitude. Besides, I have a lot to be grateful about.
Anyway. I decided I was going to let Brent have it, in a sense. I didn't want to strip him down or anything, but I think he needs to forget himself and go to work. I know it won't be easy, but that was the advice President Hinckley needed on his mission, and if it worked for a prophet of the Lord, it can work for anyone. Basically, I told Brent about my former roommate Glaucia. Sometimes Glaucia would drive me (and my other roommates, for that matter) a bit crazy, and I know part of it was just cultural differences. It was an interesting experience to live with someone foreign, especially since she was much older than the rest of us. I didn't realize how much it would affect our relationship. I've been fortunate to have travelled a lot in my lifetime, and I've never met a people I downright disliked because of their culture. That being said, Glaucia was hard to live with. For me. I will try to speak only for myself. She was lovely in every way, but that didn't mean she did things I appreciated all the time. At any rate, she had the Gospel in her life, and I could see how it had changed her. She even said, pretty directly, might I add, that she "liked incorrect things", but did the correct things for the Lord. She probably didn't mean to bear a testimony at that moment, but my testimony was strengthened all the same. Glacuia is the product (for lack of a better word) of successful missionary work. She spent a lot of time with the elders who introduced the Gospel in her life, and I know it must have been somewhat of a sacrifice, because I think she probably would have preferred to be spending time with people her own age, partying. Glaucia was a party girl. :) But you could see how important the Gospel was in her life because of eagerness to spend time with these men, in addition to the fact that she attended church regularly, wore temple garments, tried her best to make the right decisions, and even played a role in the reactivating of another of our roommates, Sam. This is what missionary work is all about. Brent hasn't had a single baptism yet, which I know is painful for him as he works hard, but the people in Brazil are still getting the chance to hear the Gospel through him. Brent is accomplishing the Lord's work by being out there, every day, even if he hasn't tasted of the fruits of direct success yet. I told him all this, adding in that I knew he already knew what I was saying (this seems to be his response to a lot of what I say), but that I was certain he had the capability to make more of himself out there.
I hope I wasn't too harsh. After all, I'm not on a mission, and I haven't served even a little bit of mine yet, so I guess he could say, what do you know? Well, I do know that Christ is my Savior, and He's taking care of you just as well as He's taking care of me, which is pretty darn well, if you might ask. Anyway. I ended up learning a lot as I typed those things out to him. I'm supposed to have the same attitude!! *lightbulb*
See, I've been super lonely here at home, and it's been a long time since I've felt satisfied with myself and what I'm doing here. It's not that those things aren't important, but there's more important things I need to focus on, just like Brent. We're at different stages in life, but I can still benefit from the advice I've given him, the advice I myself ought to take. It's strange, knowing I can lecture myself.
Well, here comes the hard part: actually enacting what I know to be true. It's weird knowing exactly what I should do and yet still not wanting to do it. Curse you, natural man! You are an enemy to God, and I would do well to rid myself of you.
Thanks for the support. I know no one reads this, but I also know people are supporting me. Perhaps no one besides my family is supporting me directly, but by supporting missionary work in general and sharing your testimony with others, you are supporting me. And you know, you deserve to be thanked for that.
I have a grateful heart, and I am willing to be the best Kristin there ever was this week.
I hope you all have a meaningful week as well, where you improve on yourself, and build your relationship with the Lord Almighty. Isn't He amazing? Divine, really. :)
I love you, I love my Lord, I love my family, and I especially love my call to serve the people of Ukraine. February 23rd, baby. It ain't far.
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