Irony, How You Beset Me

Have you ever had the experience where you accidentally answer your own question, or realize you should take your own advice? It's a very humbling moment, even if it turns out you were right all along. It's a funny thing, life. Throws you weird curveballs.

Today is Sunday, so I was emailing Brent, my long-time friend. He's currently serving in Brazil, a part of the Recife mission. I think he expected a lot of success when he arrived, perhaps due to some misleading information he received at the MTC. You can't blame the teachers there, though. I think if they build out things to look like failure (which I think plays a big role in the reality of things), missionaries would be discouraged, and that doesn't help them to be better servants to the Lord. At any rate, all of emails, and I mean ALL of his emails, are complaining. He's not unjustified, either. He's been sunburned, eaten alive by mosquitoes, ditched by his companions, infuriated by the Brazilian people, rejected at least once every single day, and just generally experienced major disappointment. I think I would be a very unhappy missionary in his position, too. Unfortunately, reading his emails has hardened my heart as well. Instead of focusing on the great joy of missionary work, I'm always thinking about the very worst that could happen. This occurs a small time after I read his email for the week on Monday. Now who wants to start their week off like that? Not me. I have enough negativity and cynicism to deal with on my own, thank you very much. I'm not blaming Brent. Who would? It really sounds like life sucks for him. But I'm susceptible to that angry, complaining spirit, and I don't want it to influence me.

Lately, I've been pretty miserable. I don't think that many people know, and I know no one could understand if they did know. But that's not the point. I don't want to be miserable! Heavens no. You only drag yourself and other people down to the devil with that kind of attitude. Besides, I have a lot to be grateful about.

Anyway. I decided I was going to let Brent have it, in a sense. I didn't want to strip him down or anything, but I think he needs to forget himself and go to work. I know it won't be easy, but that was the advice President Hinckley needed on his mission, and if it worked for a prophet of the Lord, it can work for anyone. Basically, I told Brent about my former roommate Glaucia. Sometimes Glaucia would drive me (and my other roommates, for that matter) a bit crazy, and I know part of it was just cultural differences. It was an interesting experience to live with someone foreign, especially since she was much older than the rest of us. I didn't realize how much it would affect our relationship. I've been fortunate to have travelled a lot in my lifetime, and I've never met a people I downright disliked because of their culture. That being said, Glaucia was hard to live with. For me. I will try to speak only for myself. She was lovely in every way, but that didn't mean she did things I appreciated all the time. At any rate, she had the Gospel in her life, and I could see how it had changed her. She even said, pretty directly, might I add, that she "liked incorrect things", but did the correct things for the Lord. She probably didn't mean to bear a testimony at that moment, but my testimony was strengthened all the same. Glacuia is the product (for lack of a better word) of successful missionary work. She spent a lot of time with the elders who introduced the Gospel in her life, and I know it must have been somewhat of a sacrifice, because I think she probably would have preferred to be spending time with people her own age, partying. Glaucia was a party girl. :) But you could see how important the Gospel was in her life because of eagerness to spend time with these men, in addition to the fact that she attended church regularly, wore temple garments, tried her best to make the right decisions, and even played a role in the reactivating of another of our roommates, Sam. This is what missionary work is all about. Brent hasn't had a single baptism yet, which I know is painful for him as he works hard, but the people in Brazil are still getting the chance to hear the Gospel through him. Brent is accomplishing the Lord's work by being out there, every day, even if he hasn't tasted of the fruits of direct success yet. I told him all this, adding in that I knew he already knew what I was saying (this seems to be his response to a lot of what I say), but that I was certain he had the capability to make more of himself out there.

I hope I wasn't too harsh. After all, I'm not on a mission, and I haven't served even a little bit of mine yet, so I guess he could say, what do you know? Well, I do know that Christ is my Savior, and He's taking care of you just as well as He's taking care of me, which is pretty darn well, if you might ask. Anyway. I ended up learning a lot as I typed those things out to him. I'm supposed to have the same attitude!! *lightbulb*

See, I've been super lonely here at home, and it's been a long time since I've felt satisfied with myself and what I'm doing here. It's not that those things aren't important, but there's more important things I need to focus on, just like Brent. We're at different stages in life, but I can still benefit from the advice I've given him, the advice I myself ought to take. It's strange, knowing I can lecture myself.

Well, here comes the hard part: actually enacting what I know to be true. It's weird knowing exactly what I should do and yet still not wanting to do it. Curse you, natural man! You are an enemy to God, and I would do well to rid myself of you.

Thanks for the support. I know no one reads this, but I also know people are supporting me. Perhaps no one besides my family is supporting me directly, but by supporting missionary work in general and sharing your testimony with others, you are supporting me. And you know, you deserve to be thanked for that.

I have a grateful heart, and I am willing to be the best Kristin there ever was this week.
I hope you all have a meaningful week as well, where you improve on yourself, and build your relationship with the Lord Almighty. Isn't He amazing? Divine, really. :)

I love you, I love my Lord, I love my family, and I especially love my call to serve the people of Ukraine. February 23rd, baby. It ain't far.

Being at Home

I wish the Christmas season never had to end. :(

When December 25th rolls around this year (and it will, it's only 3 days away), I will have nothing more to look forward to until February 23rd. That's a long time. It's not that I necessarily need anything to look forward to all the time, but when you don't have important and entertaining things like school work to keep you busy, things start dragging. I had hoped that my dad and I could sign up for a race on the 17th or so of January, but I don't think that will happen for one thing, and for another, Bakersfield is flooded. I have no way of training, and I don't think I'll be able to train for awhile yet. Hmm. Maybe I need to break out some winter gear and get moving!! Also, many of my friends here in Bakersfield will be returning to their respective schools as well, so there won't be as many opportunities to hang out with friends. Kristen will be here, but unfortunately she has to work. So we'll do our best, but I still will have nice chunks of time on my hands that need to be spent wisely.

The point of this blog, though, is not to be negative. Nope! I know you're surprised. I'm inviting everyone to send their ideas of ways that I can productively and effectively occupy my time during my 2 month-ish probation. So far, I've been using cooking and cleaning as means of mental stimulation, but that's quickly growing old in a family with six (little) kids. :) Still, it has been somewhat fun, so if you have some beginner to intermediate recipes I can try out that don't have too many "yucky" vegetables involved, I would love to take them on! Books you like are also a great suggestion. I got "The Ender's Game" by Orson Scott Card for Christmas, and I'm excited to dig into that. And of course, there's always the Book of Mormon! Last night I finally made it to Enos. I still have a long way to go, and I was hoping to finish by January 1, 2011. Think I can make it? So, means of increasing spirituality would be awesome, too.

Please, please, please let me know!
You guys are great.
I'm still pretty excited for Ukraine--this is going to be awesome!

Thinking a lot about Christ this Christmas season has also been a huge encouragement. I was reflecting on how strange it will be next Christmas when I'm not with my family. At first I was pretty sad thinking about it, but then I thought about the gift I will give to Christ with my service to His sheep, and how I will be bringing the true good news about Christmas through my message of Christ; I think that put things into perspective. It will still be strange and sad to miss my family, but I don't think there's any place else I'd rather be than spreading the Gospel in Ukraine.

Have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Love, Kristin

Get Thee Hence Satan

I feel very much under attack from satan: bad attitude, loneliness, selfishness. *clicks tongue disappointedly in self* I need to not be such a pushover! I am not sorry to be a threat to you, satan. You are LAME!

...It Came.

Well, everyone, I think the world already knows it, but I'll just post it here for fun:

I'm going to UKRAINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe it. When I opened my mission call, I couldn't even read the word Kyiv, which is the name of the city I've been assigned to. I don't think anyone minded too much, though; they were busy screaming. It was a really, really weird experience. I can't believe it's been a week. I'm so blown, and I've had a full 7 days--count them, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday--to think about it, and my main emotion is still surprise. I don't know. I guess I don't get this feeling very often, and for most people (myself included), surprise isn't always a pleasant feeling. That's not to say that I'm not thrilled! I just still can't bring myself to believe it.

I think I was expecting Spanish speaking. As many of you know, I was longing for a foreign mission. I don't know why. It wasn't because I secretly wanted to travel the world when I submitted my papers. I can tell you honestly that wasn't the reason. I just felt a great draw in leaving the States and spreading the Gospel to people around the world. I don't know. I just knew, deep down, and I know I talked about it often, I felt a foreign mission was a better fit for me as an individual. Apparently Heavenly Father agreed, which is also a strange feeling.

If any of you guys haven't read the conference talk about how they select mission calls, I earnestly urge you to seek it out. It's incredible, whether or not you have much interest in missionaries at the moment. It makes me tremble to know that President Eyring pulled up my picture, smiled (I hope!), said, 'Hello, Sister Stiles!', then beseeched the Lord for inspiration--inspiration specific from the Lord on where and what I should do to serve Him for eighteen months. Wouldn't it be nice if the rest of our life were so direct? I have often reflected on the blessing of revelation so pertinent to me. Clearly, the answer received was Ukraine. Oh man! I'm shaking. It's such an incredible thing to know how President Eyring received this revelation directly from the Lord.

One moment, it's a country in Eastern Europe I don't know anything about, and the next, it's my whole life! I never take more than a minute or two to think about anything else, and I always find myself thinking about it again and again. It's going to be a part of me... I guess that's the weirdest part.

I'm so excited. SO excited.
Go Ukraine! :D

It's Coming

Oh man. This week. It will be here this week! I can hardly stand the suspense. GAHHHHH.

Ok, but seriously. It's coming. What am I going to do if it says Provo, Utah? What am I going to do? See the beauty in not recording? I kind of want to open it in my closet... I wish I could, but I don't think that's fair. My parents really want a recording, and I know my amazing roommates are going to support me wherever that call reads.

I can't believe it. I hope Wednesday gets here soon! Not too soon, though, as I have a couple tests in between, an oral report, and a paper. Oh, and I need to start reading Hard Times. I just can't stop thinking about it. Any free moment I have is spent just fantasizing. It's going to be crazy to actually hold a letter from the First Presidency in my hands. Holy dang!!

Well, wish me luck. I won't be posting anything on facebook (and maybe not here, either), so you had better find some more direct way of contacting me if you want to know. :)

Missionary Preparation Journal, Day 1

Hello all.

As many of you know, I am preparing to serve a mission sometime this January, 2011. As a good friend put it, "HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU!" Indeed. Where am I going? When am I going? Why am I going? I'm afraid I don't know the answers to one and two (yet--a problem soon to be remedied), and I only know the answer to three on a good day. The one thing I do know is this: I am going, and I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Check it out, came across the title for this in my scripture study for the night: http://scriptures.lds.org/rom/1/16#16

Anyways. I decided to start this blog for several reasons. It's not going to be exclusively about my mission, but that will be the main focus. I'm really shy, and I'm going to need extra practice sharing my religious beliefs to the world (possibly in a foreign country and language--like Texas, for example). Why not try to ease myself outside my closed borders by sharing everything with my closest of friends and those curious enough to spend the time reading my rantings? Whatever reason you clicked on the link and made it this far down the second paragraph, I thank you for your support. Some days are going to be tough. I'm not going to want to do what I feel is right. But with my accountability to you in addition to the Lord, I'm feeling more committed than ever. Don't let me give up, ok? I'll give everything I can, so kick me in the butt when it's not enough. Deal?

Besides my mission to the Lord, I am also serving a mission to myself. I know, I know. That sounds like the most self-centered thing in the world. Let me explain. Recently, I found out that I'm going to need to make some serious lifestyle changes in order to prevent a rather drastic decline in my health (did you like the alliteration in that sentence? I wish I could say it was all intentional, not unintentionally horrid writing). It sounds pretty dramatic, but as far as the immediate present is concerned, you'd be hard-pressed to find something alarming in my health records. It is not, though sometimes I act like it is, a big deal at all. What is a big deal is losing thirty pounds by December. That's about two pounds a week every week until we hit Christmas. I know some of you are thinking two pounds a week isn't that much of a challenge, and you have my whole-hearted respect/envy, but I'll confess to you now that this will be one of the most singularly difficult things I have ever attempted. I'm going to do it. I'm also going to want to kill myself some days. If you're here for disgusting tales of the girl who could eat three batches of chocolate chip cookies in three minutes, you'll find it here. If you're here for the girl who woke up at six everyday to run five miles, you'll have to wait a couple months. But she'll blog here one day. I promise you.

Now on to the spiritual stuff.

"Some days, I'm absolutely positive I'm going on a mission. Other days, my confidence takes a significantly lesser hold. I'm not sure why; sometimes I get distracted by all the outside influences; sometimes I think it's nit right; sometimes Satan influences my doubt. Whatever it is, I'm going to prepare (at the very least), no matter what besets me. Got it? This is a contract.

At any rate, my scripture study tonight comes from the missionary preparation student manual. I'm reading Mark 16:15 http://scriptures.lds.org/mark/16/15#15. Elder Graf, a friend of mine who doesn't know it yet (ha ha...?), said it exactly, "Imagine being Godly-obligated to every person." I can't. But I do have faith that one day I will be capable. I'm excited for this huge opportunity to serve the Lord, but believe me, I'm also scared as heck. It's good that God is all powerful, because I'm pretty sure that what it's going to take to get me out there.

I'm ready for this mantle, Lord, but please send me some extra strength first! Thanks, Kristin."

I'll keep you updated. Love!